My Love Life Sucks

I have a used to the old POLO towel, the one with the bear print. I just wonder why he gave me his old towel. When I was pissed I told him I’m going to return it and send it back to him via mail or something. I just wonder how much it will cost me. Well it’s a way to pissed him. I’m not sure If I get even on this but to tell the truth I don’t like saying those word, saying goodbye and those things because I am hurting myself anyway. But it seems the right thing to do because he doesn’t need me anymore. I only think of one thing that’s why he chat to me before because he doesn’t have someone to chat with, he needed a friend to talk to and shoot I needed a friend to. A friend to share my day, to tell that I am pissed and things and to make me laugh and I Know I make him laugh too, He lightens my day. Give me support on work but he is gone now. Maybe he really did not what I meant about my job. He gets me going and continue with my job even though I am tired lately and since he don’t want to even chat plus work gets too tiring. I don’t know why but I know I have the most patience. Just wonder why I develop this impatience mode about my work.

Well going back to the towel, I haven’t washed it yet though but it’s my new blanket.

I’ll use it until I’m not okay with everything. Gives me comfort and I remember him and everything we share about when I used it. Maybe that is the purpose of the towel to comfort me on this time.

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Weird but I always analyze things or events that happen to my life.

Anyways, I was thinking why did I go and fly to the beach in the first place.

Realize this, I know he is here in the country but kept thinking why he has not message me at all. So I was okay with that but when he gets my number, well I think he will. I’m having a trouble feeling because I never met any chat friends ever besides Benjie and his soon to be wife l who I met last Christmas. It is really nice meeting them. I chat because I have a time too, a good way to communicate, have friends all over the world and learn things and kill of time when you don’t do anything. This time it’s a different one. Then he sent a message to me that he wants to see me. I got excited. Well I know he is a great guy and he is still a great person no matter what happen and argument we have. Then we talk on the phone, it was nice hearing his voice in the phone. They are going to the beach and I wanted to have a vacation too to think and relax. I ask if I can join but no replies because he was gone. Learn that he is gone out of sight and tell me he might go back to the hotel. That’s when I learn I know he is hooking up with someone and goes back to the hotel to do some things. That’s when I realize fuck, why do I feel bad about him hooking up when all the time we chat we talk about what kind of flirting he did with girls. I have realized now and that time that I have feelings for him. Maybe I did not feel that before because we are just chatting and he is really a good friend. I was upset because of that.

He is hooking up with other girls. And I really don’t know if he have feelings for me but in a way he consider what I feel, somehow and I feel special. But when we talk in the morning he said it is okay if I come along. Then I pack my thing to go there. Got a ticket and fly to the beach.

So I have few reasons why did I go to there even I haven’t done this before in my life ad my friend Mitch said its way to risky. First reason is I want to relax and have some fun and sun. Second, since my work is at night it’s hard for me to meet him because I sleep a night, this will be a good time to meet him and get to know him more.

But there are twists that happen when we are there. Learn a lot of things I never know.

First I don’t know that there are a lot of people there that comes along. He didn’t tell me that the girl she likes is there. Maybe that’s why he specifically asks me to go on Sunday because the girl is living Sunday but I came Saturday afternoon. I don’t have any grudge with any people there. They seem okay to me. I always don’t judge people but you know when you feel you’re not welcome at all. Not his guy friends but the girl he likes and their flock but not all of her friends some seems nice and talk to me.

This is when I say, expect the unexpected

Meeting him is nice; I never thought he looks good. He also treats me nice and I had a great time. Have a lot of bonding moments. I never have been so closed to a guy before on that level. My favorite part is sleeping at the beach. It felt so good and super nice. It’s like we are meant to be there at that time. I like it when he puts his arms on my shoulder, I feel secure. When we walk at night, I like it when he holds my hands. I like hugging him and kissing him. I always like to massage his hair or head when we kiss. I have realized that I like this guy and I like him a lot. I was wondering if he is feeling that too. I don’t even know where I stand, I know that we are friends but more than that, I doubt that.

Last night there, we eat dinner then go dancing; I’m not sure what we drink but its like baileys. Not too strong but it taste good. And dance all the way in the dance floor. It was really fun, I don’t dance though but with guys. So technically it’s my first disco moment with a guy. Just glad I like the guy I dance with.

Then we go back to the room, we both decided to sleep outside again. When we are outside cuddling, it was not the nicest weather, starts to rain and strong winds. Glad the comforter we get is a bit thick but because of the bad weather, well I always have I have a warm body I get sweaty and weather changes in few minutes too to being windy and raining to just calm hot night. We kiss there, cuddle and he is goes on top of me. I think he is a bit hot those time.There are still kids outside playing. While we chat for a bit and I am getting sleepy he utters something. He thinks I didn’t hear it but I hear it clearly that’s why I think he might have feelings for me. He said lets get married. When I ask what you said, he said never mind. It might be the buzz of the alcohol but it is way to long for that, the heat that he feels or I really don’t know now. I feel special that time.

Last day we are there while we are in the bech, getting some sun. Listening to his ipod, He says he wants to take it slow. Which is really nice and I get comfortable. But I realize after that, what he talks about and everything happen is different. Getting slow is nice to get to know him but when you get slow. I have a thing that get slow for the longest time. Look at what we have now. One of the greatest friendships ever, I don’t know why we are great friends. We don’t even fight. Maybe because we supported each other, we give an ear to listen and he is a great person too. He just doesn’t know that.

But with this guy, I argue a lot, I don’t know why I have the argumentative mode with him. Anyways, I realized that I love him or learn to love him. It’s not like that I feel because I will like a lot of people but not this kind. He said he don’t know how to love before, look at what happen now he have snuggle someone else.

Clearly there are great things that happen but I don’t read mind. He tells things and gives signs but do a different thing. I think there are some shady part things that happen when we got back.

He said now that he never asks to marry someone ever no matter what happen. That is sad but he just did. I’m not sure if it is simply a lie or he just doesn’t remember at all.

I remember when my college best friend and I always hang out. We are asked to wear something red but she said, shoot I don’t have a red shirt. I told her you do. She doesn’t even remember that but I did. I am detail person; I remember details, pictures and colors.

Things that make a difference.

I miss you.

I miss you.

and I miss you.

Did I lose you now?

I day before I age again. Well I’m turning 24 tomorrow. Not a great day. I have been under accomplished. I see myself more differently and well accomplished. Crazy but I get depress somehow.  Maybe I just dream to much, well I should aim to things i can accomplish.

Turning 24 this year post a mark in my life. The age to decide what I really want to do in my life.I’m not getting any younger. I have a love life that sucks, no boyfriend to call honey or sweets even. My work Wilburn outside down soon or I am out of it. I totally suck.

But hopefully this age will teach me something and give me something in return, i still have high hopes. I think no matter what is it, I’m always on the positive outlook. Patience is a virtue in every aspect in my life. Career and Love life.

Well good bye to the age of 23 and hello to my new age 24.

MAKING LOVE OUT OF NOTHING AT ALL (Air Supply)

I know just how to whisper
And I know just how to cry
I know just where I find the answers
And I know just how to lie
I know just how to fake it
And I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth
And then I know just when to dream
And I know just where I touch you
And I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer
And I know when to let you loose

And I know the night is fading
And I know the time�s gonna fly
And I�m never gonna tell you everything I gotta tell you
But I know I�ve got to give it a try

And I know the roads to riches
And I know the ways to pain
I know all the rules and then I know how to break�em
And then I always know the name of the game

But I don�t know how to leave you
And I�ll never let you fall
And I don�t know how you do it
Making love out of nothing at all

Making love
Out of nothing at all
Making love
Out of nothing at all
Making love
Out of nothing at all
Making love
Out of nothing at all
Making love
Out of nothing at all
Making love
Out of nothing at all

Everytime I see you, well the rays of the sun are all
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes
Like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum and it�s lost
And it�s looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the deep of the night
And turn it to a beacon burning endlessly bright
I gotta follow it �cause everything I know
Well, it�s nothing �till I give it to you

I can make the runner stumble
I can make the final block
And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle
And I can make all the stadiums rock

I can make tonight forever
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn
And I can make you every promise that�s ever been made
And I can make all your demons be gone

But I�m never gonna make it without you
Do you really wanna see me crawl ?
And I�m never gonna make it like you do
Making love out of nothing at all

Making love
Out of nothing at all…

It seems its really hard to love someone who doesnt feel the same way. You don’t ask for nothing but you get hurt alot. You dont have an edge anyhow. The hurt is really big time.

It’s hard to hang around and just getting anything because I know I deserve more . I didnt choose how I feel. I wish it never happen so I can be happy and at peace. Who wants something that hurt feeling. It feels like you  have been stab alot.

I knwo a cure for this, but can I ge along. I know that he doesnt need me at all. I’m just a pain and a clutter on his way to happiness. Being busy isnt a word he used before. We are all busy with what we do, thats true but they are always time and wanting time to stay.

You have chosen a path without me. I’m sure your happy with that as what you always emphasize. Everything so right.  It’s what you have ben asking for months. Everything you ever ask for is her. You match from vices to whatever you match.

I’m just stupid thinking we can be more because I remember the word you say the last night on the island. On that windy night behind the bedsheet you said something. That married word.

I think why would a man say such a thing if he isnt serious but you didnt continue and get back what you said. It was just a mistakeI guess and because of the buzzof what you drink. I thought what you feel for me is more than what you feel for her. But I am just mistake that is needed to be erase. Everything was a clear mistake and misunderstanding.

I get it now, no matter how I insist to myself that this dude have feelings for you why let it go.

No matter how I fight that feeling, it’s hard. It is just simply let it go. No matter how I feel and love you, nothings goin to change. I’ll just hide what I feel and keep it locked. I have been hurt before but this in uncomparable, it is like loosing myself this time.  I neeed to get myself back and focus. Surely loving is a great feeling but it isn’t always a win win situation. I don’t want an awe of time and love from a man who don’t have time and care.

I’ve been asking for the sign and maybe I’m just blind to see it that is is being slap to my face.

Just to shitless to admit that the guy I care and love dont feel the same. And that a weekend in paradise is just an ordinary weekend and experience for him.

Ciao to everything.

When you love, It’s All or Nothing. It’s better not to give love at all if it’s just a piece or a small part of the love. If you cant give it all then don’t love at all.- You can never love if you havea broken part of yourself. You need to be whole.

fate determines who comes in to our lives, heart determines who stays

- it is the truth!

Ordinary People

by John Legend

Girl im in love with you
This ain’t the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

[Bridge]

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we’ll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

[Chorus]

We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
Cuz we’re ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow

[Verse 2]

This ain’t a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya’ll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it’s heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

[Bridge]

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it’s not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

[Chorus]

We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
Cuz we’re ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow

[Verse 3]

Take it slow
Maybe we’ll live and learn
Maybe we’ll crash and burn
Maybe you’ll stay, maybe you’ll leave,
maybe you’ll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won’t survive
But maybe we’ll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I

[Chorus]

We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
Cuz we’re ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
Cuz we’re ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow

-is there a thing to take it slow now. A promise is a promise but nothing to take it slow because you are taking it slow with someone else.

Can I go on and live my life alone,
When love is gone
That I feel before
Can I go on and stop thinking about you.

On whatever happens,
Sometimes all you can do is laugh

- by me

It’s better to laugh than to breathe.

(I might be a psycho- But I at least I am free on scrutiny of my being. Call me crazy)

People love for reasons or they say they are in love because of the following reasons but love really has no reasons. When you fall in love it’s not because of the following situation and reasons, you just simply fall in love. It’s the demands of reality keeps us turning.

Faith one love makes us stay. But whatever what we hold. It’s simply the joy of loving makes our world light and happy. It doesn’t matter if the person loves us sometimes or give the love back. It sounds cruel or it maybe a cruel love but loving doesn’t mean getting it back or receiving it back. When you love you don’t ask for something in return.
You love because you feel you love the person. Getting hurt is a part of it but you will always risk it all to feel the love and beloved.

There is always a storm in our life. Surely the blow is hard to deal with but if we have faith in him and we truly trust him. He always makes us better individual. He has a greater plan for us. Just hold on the faith that we have.

I will hold on the only one I can hold, faith and I’ll hold on what I feel, my love. I am sure that my faith will bring me to what I have been waiting for all my life.
My life’s destiny is unwritten and I’m going to write it base on his blessings and calling.